Nadia Reichenov (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
coldheritage) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
knightsoflegend2015-04-05 02:10 pm
coldheritage) wrote in knightsoflegend2015-04-05 02:10 pm
Entry tags:
CHAPTER FOUR ♔ does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love
WHO || Failboat, Rafael, Isabella, Nadia [Closed]
WHAT || After an exciting Grammy night, the Knights meet up with Nadia to hear what she has to say
WHERE || Staples Center, LA --> Warehouse
WHEN || Feb 8th, 2015 [back dated]
HOW || Actionspam
[ The Knights' mission to stop the signal and prevent Draken's cult from spreading whatever subliminal message was lurking beneath Keijen Blade's performance was a success. It didn't come without its bumps in the road, however: Alexander Anderson showed up, and the Knights ran afoul of the Mind Master. Buffy nearly died fighting Anderson, but in the end, he was defeated, beheaded, and hopefully put to death forever. Finnick, though, found himself thrust into a mental illusion that convinced him he might still be in the Hunger Games, and left him uncertain about whether any of his life here was real.
Another surprise came in the form of an announcement by Nadia Reichenov, an artist working with Crombe and company, that she was changing her band name and taking things in a 'new direction'. This direction was perhaps revealed when after her performance, she approached the Knights in Rafael's dressing room - and handed them the necklace that connects her to the Nightmare God Malaak'a, saying she was willing to tell them everything. ]
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[ Her words ring out—sharp, injured and disbelieving. As if the end of that sentence might make it better. As if believing anything of him would be worse than the truth. The worst in all of it is that she keeps her promise through all of it. The stranglehold on her heart does nothing to dim the love that she feels for him.
But if there's anything she can see in watching him do this to Isabella, it's that maybe loving him, waiting for him to see her, it's not enough. And it will never be enough. ]
Rafael, I understand why you did it. [ She sounds tired, a sense of resignation creeping through the weeping mess. ] But you can't keep this up. You can't go through with this, and I'm not saying that because of— [ Her eyes squeeze shut. It kills her to say this to his back, but in this moment, as she drops her gaze and accepts her heartache, she's glad she doesn't have to look him in the eyes. ] Because of anything that I feel for you. I'm saying it because the only way she can be happy is for you to let her go. You can't run to her when you're feeling weak just because it's easy and it makes you feel better. I know because I've done it, and I will regret that choice for the rest of my life.
[ Silence dwindles for a moment, and she quiets her pain by shutting her eyes. Works through it to at least slow the steady stream of her tears. ]
Do you remember the night you first told me who you really are? About how you met Jade, and how you loved her?
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Despite all the hurt, and despite any better judgment, there's a glimmer of warmth in her chest at the way he says it. It's colored by loss, though, overwhelmed by her despair, and turns quickly to a cold weight.
Tears trace pale lines down splotchy red cheeks, shadowed by the dim lighting. But her expression softens as she looks back on her own guilt, what she would readily accept as one of her darkest moments, even in file with her actions tonight and back on Andres. ]
Being close to you, listening to you talk about Jade … All I wanted was for you to feel for me even a fraction of what you felt for her. [ Admitting that feels less bold now, a wasted effort. A scream into a void. It turns her tone hopeless and hollow as she continues, ] But you didn't even see me.
[ Stepping forward, she takes a turn for the truly repentant as she explains. ]
Someone else did, though. I wanted to believe that even if you didn't, someone could love me like that. Spike did. With everything he had, he loved me, and I never deserved any of it. After I left your room, I went to him. [ Tears burn her eyes, and when she blinks, they roll quickly down her face instead of pulling back into her eyes. She shakes her head. ]
And when I found him in his room, I let him … [ Well. It speaks for itself. ] I let him think that I loved him too. [ Her tone turns harsh, brutal even, as if she wishes that Buffy who had stepped into Spike's room that night were here for her to be lashing out at now. ] I took advantage of him. Used what he felt for me to make myself feel better. Just like you're doing to Isabella now.
I wish someone had stopped me. He didn't believe it at the time, but the kindest thing I've ever done for Spike was telling him that truth: that I would never feel anything like that for him. That there was no future for us. That it was a mistake, and I was weak. He didn't believe there was ever a chance that he might move on, love someone else, even give up on me, but he has. Because I don't let myself turn my weakness on him, even when I've wanted to.
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You-- [ whatever he wanted to say seems to get choked off, his entire face falling as he stares at her, struck by the confession. ] Buffy, I never-- I am so sorry I ever drove you to such a thing, that I ever left you feeling that this was your only -- [ he stops himself, shaking his head ] But you are wrong about why I proposed to Isabella, if you believe for a moment it was to find comfort for myself. I truly thought it was what she would want, thought I could do right by one single person in my life. I care about her, wish the best for her, even if I could not give her my heart.
And yet, I was wrong, as I have always been. I know that. Know I must end it, but the damage has already been done.
On every front. [ he glances back up at her for a moment, squeezing the railing once more ] It is not fair to her to give her hope that I could ever love her in the way she deserves. But it is not fair for me to give that hope to anyone, because there is a part of me that will always love her.
How could I ever ask anyone to accept this? Who ever could?
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[ The words are cold, even if her tone still carries the fragility of her emotional state. A simple answer to a complex problem. ]
Jade's dead. She's never coming back. Until you can accept that, or find a way to move on and love someone else too, then don't ask that of anyone. All it does is let your grief become a weapon against the people you care about. [ She takes a deep breath, stepping closer. Resting her hand over his on the railing. ] Because we more than care about you.
I love you. [ She tilts her head, genuine affection in her eyes, even now. ] More than … more than anything. And I probably always will, just like you'll always love Jade. But I can't keep hoping that one day I'm going to be enough, that one day you'll actually feel something for me.
And Isabella can't either. Maybe she doesn't see it, but if you care about her? You owe it to her to make her see it.
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he just continues staring at her, lips slightly parted as if his brain has disconnected from his body and he has no idea what to say or do. ] I see. [ the words are chillingly quiet, his shoulders slumping as he takes in what she's asking of him. ]
Well, you need not fear, then. I already intended to tell her. To make things very clear.
Buffy, I-- [ he looks like he wants desperately to say something else, but her words silence him, halt his own on the tip of his tongue. ]
I wish it were as easy as to turn off how I felt for her. But if you love me in the same way I loved her, then you understand why I may not ever be able to. If that is what you wish from me, then... [ he squares his shoulders, looking askance as he forces himself to say: ]
Then I am likely not the man who will ever be able to give you the love you deserve. There will always be a part of me with her. Perhaps what I've truly been fooling myself with is to think that I could escape that fact some day. That through time alone, I would be whole again.
[ he pushes off from the railing, turning towards the door, stops himself and adds: ] I am not saying that what I feel for her means I cannot let someone else into my heart. [ he hangs his head, reaching up to rest his hand on the door handle, his next words hushed. ] ... In fact, I know much better. [ he turns the handle, pushing the door open again without looking back. ] But it will not be enough. If I love someone, why would I offer them half a heart?
[ with that, he moves to step inside. ]
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Words turning to ash on their tongues, failing them, leaving too much left unsaid. Creating this space between them that stretches from the railing to the door of the warehouse. And for a moment, Buffy looks ready to let him go. Beaten, worn down, hopeless and defeated. She was just like Isabella—striving blindly for something that was never going to happen, and he was in no hurry to prove her wrong (sense motive c-c-crit fail).
But her eyes dart up out to the bay when he mutters to himself, hand on the door (listen 27). There's something there that she can't let lie. Her face turns toward him, searching the slump of his shoulders. (And that's where the action point came in. Sense motive 26.)
Breezing through the darkness like she's made her home at it, Buffy reaches abruptly out to grab his arm, to keep him there with her. She whips him around to face her, searching his eyes for that glimmer of hope she needs. Three years, she's held onto whispers like that. Three years, she's built hope from near-nothing out of him, but now … ]
I'm not asking you to stop loving her. I know that's impossible.
[ Better than anyone, she knows. Even if they did go their separate ways, even if there were no way for him to move on and love her back, she would never be able to forget what she feels for him. ]
I'm just asking you to love me too. You're not incomplete without her. Jade will always be a part of your past, of who you are, but if you can let someone in, then they can be your future. [ A beat. She's come this far (will save 24). ] I want to be your future, but if there's no chance of that, then … [ She shakes her head. ] Keep walking. And maybe one day, I'll find a way to stop following.
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he stops at her touch, letting go of the door, which bangs shut once more with a jarring noise as he turns to look down at her. his own hand rests on her forearm, initially as if to steady himself when she whips him around, but then with a tenderness that's reflected in his eyes, a hope kindling there, warring against all the self-loathing he's been drowning in.
her words take a moment to really sink in, but as they do, amazement and bewilderment prompt him to raise his hand to her cheek. he brushes his knuckles there with gentle affection, eyebrows drawing together in concern as he registers the remaining tears in the corner of her eyes, moving to brush one away with intense care. ]
Carina. [ while the word broadcasted his conflicted heartache before, now it holds something else, a breathy exhalation that's nothing but overwhelmed by what's directly in front of him. ] Would you give me a chance I have done nothing to deserve? A chance perhaps to earn such affection? [ there's a plea there, born out of his current low point of self esteem, that's all too clear. accepting her love right here, right now, having done what's clearly nothing in his eyes to merit it, will probably just leave him feeling just as insecure about it.
he moves to tangle his fingers through her own with his other hand, raising it to his lips, and pressing a kiss there as his brow furrows further. ] Per favore, mia carina.
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Slowly, she nods. ]
To earn it. [ The words are an agreement that there's a road ahead. ] I would. [ correcting herself, she quickly amends, ] I will.
[ Here comes the but, a lingering uncertainty in her eyes. ]
But not like this. [ She squeezes his hand before dropping hers away to her side. ] Not with you … engaged to someone else. [ If asking Isabella to marry him was wrong, what they're doing here is worse. Everything that Isa doubtlessly feared. ] I can't do this to her. [ Even if she had no problem doing it to Buffy ... ] After you end it, then we can talk.
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's a rock. [ What the fuck. Standing, she looks suddenly alert. ] Some kind of signal?
[ She glances out at the dark water, then back at Rafael. ] Let's move around front and make sure they're okay.
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