knightsoflegend | closed ♔ and when we collide

I love you, too.

[Her arms tighten around her almost desperately as she bombs the fuck out of a will save. Tears fill the backs of her eyes, a few even fall as she blinks rapidly, letting out a shuddering breath.

She didn't realize until this moment how much she missed her.]

No matter what else happens, that will never change.

I know, [ vi whispers, sounding determined. drawing back, she lifts a hand to brush the tears from elena's cheeks. ] You'll always have a home with me, for as long an always as I can manage.

[ vi is not immortal after all. ]

For a long time I didn't understand my mom. Why him, why there, why would she eat those pomegranates when she knew better. [ idly, vi touches the tattoo on her forearm, the crowned pomegranate. ] And then Luthir... existed, and he was everything and not in a creepy lost myself way. He helped me find me. And I got it, her choices finally made sense to me.

[ her mouth slants in a half smile, weak from wanting luthir still, but understanding, self-deprecating at using the obvious comparison again but honestly, what other comparison is she supposed to make, it's her mother's story.

regardless, she gets it. ]

...which I think makes me my grandmother in this scenario.

[No, she's not immortal. But she's closer than anything else she might have, other than Spike, and she can't guarantee that he'll see through to her core, either.]

I didn't fully choose this path until I met him, but there was nothing else that could have kept me from it once I did. I had a home with all of you, but I didn't belong there, not really. I got to choose my death, my life, my body, my destiny.

[She smiles, her eyes and voice watery, because she thinks Vi might actually get it.]

I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I hurt all of you, but I would do it all over again because it's what I needed. [She reaches for Vi's hands, fingers threading through hers.] I want all of you to do all the things you need to do for yourselves, too.

[ a black and white mindset have never been something vi was capable of because she's always in the middle: in the middle of life and death, in the middle of mortality and immortality. she is a shade of grey.

black and white is impossible for her.

but its made her more understanding, more compassionate, but maybe that is just age and experience and loss. maybe she doesn't know anymore. but either way, elena's shades of grey aren't too much to ask of her. ]

I know you're sorry, I do, and I wish everyone else could understand.

I do too, but they can't. And they shouldn't.

[Her expression remains sad. She appreciates the understanding more than words can express, but that doesn't keep it all from being complicated.]

I don't lie when I tell people they should be afraid of me. The people I'm surrounded by...I can't say they aren't dangerous. It's not a world or a life that I want any of you to deal with and I've tried to distance myself for a reason.

[She pauses for a moment, collecting herself, putting together words in her mind before she speaks them aloud.]

In two or three years, I will have lived another nearly two thousand, and I can't say I'll be the same as I am now. Hell will continue to shape and change me with time, whether I want it to or not. It's simply a matter of how and how much.

Edited (just in case you lost this <3 if not, no rush ilu) 2017-11-05 03:45 (UTC)

You'll be different and we'll still be bitching about the same dumb shit probably.

[ how the fuck vi manages to sound calm when the idea of missing so much of elena's life makes her want to throw up is a miracle. she nods slowly, like she's trying to convince herself to accept that point. she can barely accept herself living much longer let alone a millenia, so it doesn't settle very well with her. not badly, just... askew. she'll have to force the idea into place. ]

You're still Elena, [ she decides, lucia chirping an echoed "Lena!" ] Everyone changes, Buffy and I used to not like each other. [ yes, that is the most profound change she can think of. she and buffy used to be indifferent to each other and now she is one of the most important people in vi's life, one of the most important in lucia's life. ]

Everyone changes, but you're still Elena. Still brave and smart and good. [ her mouth quirks in a small smirk. ] Even if you put away that capital G. That's who you are, nothing can change that.

[She smiles softly, almost privately.]

I certainly hope so.

[Because that means they're still alive, that they're not broken beyond repair, that the world has continued to keep turning. Right now, even that's in jeopardy with the state of the world as it is.]

I've shelved quite a few capital G's in my lifetime, you're right. [She looks almost amused at that, like she's made a particularly smug joke.] But as much as things may change, as much as they must, there are still some things that never do.

Like that fact that I will always be watching, for one. When I can, anyway.

I'm losing count of how many people can say that to me, [ vi says with a snort of laughter. sehanine, zeus, raphael, luthir, now elena. a flock of people watching her if need be. she suspects some of them are occupied with better things to do, but she does have a lot of acquaintances in high places. and low.

when vi leans in to gather elena in another hug it's no less emotional, but there is something settled about it. talking to elena in person was exactly what she needed, there was too much that texting couldn't convey, especially with vi's dyslexia to struggle with. ]

If you don't change my ring tone to Whitney Houston, you're dead to me.

[ and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love you. even if vi doesn't text her as much anymore, she better change it anyway. ]

I'm sure that a few aren't too happy that I've added myself to that particular list, but too bad for them.

[Queen of Hell. Does what she wants. Not sorry.

She returns the hug easily this time, not feeling quite so shaken. There's always going to be a million things she wants to say and speak about, and yet not nearly enough time to do so, nor the ability.

But this is something, at least.]

That's something I would do only for you, I hope you realize. Besides, I've already died once. I wouldn't want to do it again.

[It's not like she has to actually hear said ring tone the majority of the time, anyway.]

Good thing you're immortal, isn't it?

[ drawing back, vi seems to decide she can't linger any longer, she has to go and unfortunately elena can't accompany her for her entire trip. also if she puts it off any longer she will make elena hold her hand the whole trip and she is a grown ass woman. ]

I should... I'll call you, okay?

It does have its perks.

[No, she can't. And she doesn't have the time either, unfortunately. Time goes on without her at a brisk pace, whether she wants it to or not.]

I'll be waiting. [For however long it takes. Still, she hesitates briefly before she adds:] Can you just do one thing for me?

[She takes a breath before she finishes.]

The others...they don't need to understand. It's probably best that they don't, for their sake. You don't need to try and change their minds to protect me.

[ for a moment, vi looks like she's going to argue, but she pauses and blessedly takes a moment to think about it. maybe vi is the only one who would understand because of who her mother is -- hell, half the people on the team don't even know her mother's story, it's not like she can use that as a jumping off point.

and if she tried rose would condemn them all for siding with evil or something equally ridiculous. (which... is a fucking insult, frankly, and she understands why spike got so bent out of shape about it. on top of her and buffy's comparatively mild secrecy as well.)

instead she sighs. ]

I know, you're right. I just-- I remember Jade's expression when she realized someone finally understood what she was going through and I want that for you.

[ but she won't argue on elena's behalf, it won't accomplish anything for one thing, and more importantly because elena specifically asked her not to. ]

Edited 2017-11-17 19:35 (UTC)

I have that, Vi. You already gave it to me.

[She gives her a quick wink, preferring to keep the rest of this as lighthearted as possible. There are other things she could be sad about.]

Besides, we have enough things trying to tear us all apart, and you all need each other. Des and I will do what we can to help, but I expect it to be a very flimsy alliance at best.

As long as we can have that until we've fixed this world, then I'm happy.

But with what Dean went through, he has every right to hate what and who I stand for. Fighting against that would be like trying to fight a brick wall, and you're going to need them too if we're going to win this.

[ oh, right. she exists. that's a reasonable reminder.

vi scoffs a little because honestly if anyone quits failboat she has a feeling it's going to be rose, first. ]

Maybe if people would-- [ no, nope, vi isn't going to complain about secrecy, she and spike can argue about that later because she has a feeling they're actually going to land on the same side. she sighs again. ]

No, I know. And stopping Blade, saving the world, that's literally all I want for Lucia. [ and, like, other babies she guesses. stranger babies. ] I'm not going to force them out or to agree with me and I'm going to do my best to keep the waters calm because this is more important than our fucking opinions.

[ but gosh she can only do so much. ]

[Elena thinks Vi is probably right, which is why she's being adamant about this. They need all the help they can get and they'd be foolish to drive away two people who have some idea of what they're dealing with.]

Right now, that is the only thing that is important. We all know it. We simply can't let our personal beliefs and our fears blind us from working together.

[Trying to tell anyone what they should think or feel is only going to push them away.

With that agreement made, Elena takes a step away from her, putting a bit of space between them.]

Anyway, I'm sure we'll be seeing each other soon enough. I shouldn't keep you.

[ nodding, vi's fingers drum against her thigh as she puts off saying goodbye again and suddenly the grass surrounding them explodes with a blanket of pale purple flowers. she grabs a bunch and holds them out to elena, roots dripping dirt. ]

They grow best in heat and shade.

[ she winks. it's perfect for hell. she knows the little plant will probably die immediately, but. everyone deserves flowers every once in a while. ]

See you in a couple hundred years.

[Elena stills as she looks at the flowers held in Vi's grip. Something in her expression shifts, as if she's rifling through several emotions all at once. She reaches out to take them, gathering up the roots in her hand, caring not in the slightest as the dirt soils her fingers. She holds them as if she's carrying something infinitely delicate and precious, eyes lingering on the petals for a moment longer than is necessary.]

Lucifer loves flowers. [Her voice is hoarse as she speaks, and though a gentle smile graces her lips, there's a deep sadness in her eyes, evidence of the heavy weight on her heart.] He used to send me roses when he wanted me to come back to him. He'll see them in my memories, even if they don't survive long enough for him to see them with his eyes.

[She knows they're not for him, not really, but it still means something to her that she can share this with her.

She swallows past a knot in her throat, her eyes seeming to clear. It would be hard to tell how distressed she was previously if not for the glint of tears in her eyes, though it's clear to Vi by her expression that she's also unsettled as if she's not sure if she's said too much.]

Soon, then.

[Because a couple hundred years is 'soon' these days. As Vi watches, there's suddenly an expanding bright light surrounding her, until it blocks her from view entirely and then fades just as quickly as it came, leaving an empty space where Elena used to be.

Later gurl.]

[ luthir loved flowers. it became something of a running joke because of violet's name, elves love flowers. even her nickname was just an elven diminutive of violet. being courted with flowers tugs on her heartstrings.

elena is already gone, going back to her husband, back to hell, back to lifetimes without talking to what's left of her friends and family, but vi lingers. even when her phone pings to tell her that her uber driver has come and gone because she'd spent too long with elena, vi stays where she is, thinking.

eventually, lucia impatiently calls for her and vi's eyes flutter open and the grass on the side of the road explodes with flowers of all different shapes and sizes and colors, a rainbow of flowers, every kind imaginable -- with the exceptions of wisteria and the color white. she plucks a dark blue one to give to lucia, complementing her complexion, but the rest stay brightly in her wake as she finally starts moving.

she knows how these things work. ]

Take care of her, Lucifer.

[hellions are like pringles- you can’t have just one. it takes Vi until she reaches London to hear anything else, but when she does, it’s not in the form of a text or a call- it’s just Des on a streetcorner, mingling with the crowd. he steps out and away, and without blocking her path approaches with his palms up.

Look he and Vi don’t have a history of good conversations under their belt. Sometimes the best thing to do is just prove you’re already thinking before you speak. Especially this close to winter.]

Hi. Elena told me you two talked. I swear I’m not here to be a jackass- sometimes that’s incidental, but I’m getting better at that. Point is... I didn’t wanna leave things like... y’know. That.

And you've just decided this... now?

[ IT HAS BEEN LIKE TWO YEARS SINCE THEIR FIGHT. vi's lips purse, pulling the stroller back towards her as she pauses on the sidewalk. she regrets leaving early now. lucia struggles to turn in the stroller to see who her mother is talking to, but vi tugs the canopy over her. ]

To be fair, I couldn't explain to you why you were in the middle of a pissing contest between me and an archangel, then. It would've just been frustrating for both of us if I tried. But there's no excuse. [He shrugs one shoulder and drops his hands.] For me not talking before now or for me saying what I said. I was pissed at him, and it's not your fault that I have a bad history with that lot.

And I know I should've said it sooner, because that part has nothing to do with who I happen to be married to, but I didn't. I'm not exactly looking for forgiveness here.

I don't give a shit if it's frustrating for you, Des. And I honestly don't give a shit about your pissing contest with Raphael.

[ vi thought she'd gotten over being upset, but here she is, getting pissed off all over again. ]

You had no right to speak to me like I'm a fucking child. And no right to try to take hope from me. Like, fuck-- That's literally what the fucking Nightmare Lord did, do you understand that? I spent a year being tortured with nightmares to the point that I literally had to fight a god in my own head to drag my soul back from him to survive all for you to decide, in all your ancient fucking wisdom, that I didn't, what? Deserve to have hope?

[Des hisses, but he lets her finish without interrupting or interjecting or- god forbid- whinging.]

No, Vi. I think you did deserve to have hope. I think you deserve to have all the hope in the world, but I didn't want you to believe in something that might not be what you expected it to be. I thought it might have given you hope then, but what about later?

And it was stupid and selfish. It's not my place to judge where people get their hope from, just that they have it. Just because I don't believe in people having to suffer to obtain any kind of peace or strength doesn't mean I get to go around being a jackass about it.

I just... I wanted you to find hope within yourself- not from them. I wanted you to believe in something that wouldn't let you down. You're strong, Vi. You've endured a hell of a lot these past few years, and you've still come out on top. But there wasn't any reason for me to think you couldn't have it both ways.

So I'm sorry. Too little, too late, I know, but we're gonna be working together during this goddamned apocalypse, and everything is tense enough as it is. You deserved this much, even if I can't make any apologies about the rest of it.

[ vi has so much to say about all this, so much. she could gently remind him that she's been surrounded by people (gods) who could fix every problem in her life, but didn't, wouldn't, because her path is her own and she is meant to walk it. her mother could have whisked her away to the safety of olympus but instead vi fought in wars and watched children like her die and then relived it over and over night after night even though the veil had tried to protect her from her own memories. she has always had to depend on herself, raphael only buoyed the hope buried inside her, reminded her of her own strength.

but she doesn't think des will listen or care since he's already decided how she feels. ]

I deserve much more than this, Des. I'm sorry that Raphael made you play his owl for my benefit, I'm so sorry that trying to help me was offensive to you. [ she does not sound sorry. ]

But what you did was awful and cruel. I have given you so much benefit of the doubt. [ she still is, hoping against past actions that des will prove he does actually give a single solitary fuck about someone other than himself because it honestly seems like he doesn't. even his apology feels like he's just getting it out of the way so he can say he apologized. ] I tried to understand why you said any of that, I tried so hard, but it's honestly unfathomable to me.

Do you know what I remember most about that day? The castle was still under attack, my daughter, Myri's daughter, they were still in danger, Gar and Faith needed help so badly. That hope kept me fighting, while you sat down and pouted because I'd hurt your feelings.

[Des looks at her for a long time, expression going from something more compassionate to more neutral, like he's trying to school his feelings.]

Are you kidding me right now? You think I sat down and pouted? You don't know a goddamned thing about what I did or why I did it or what happened afterwards. If you wanna be pissed off because I said some things I shouldn't have said, then fine. I can't stop you.

But don't act like you've really ever tried to understand me or reached out and asked or even demanded I explain. What I do what I do is unfathomable because no one like me has ever existed. How I think? How I feel about things? They're a product of something that was never supposed to happen to a human. Four thousand years of being systematically broken and coming back from it swinging, and I'm not using that as an excuse for me to get away with saying anything I want and people just taking it. I'm using it as insurmountable proof of why I can never make any of you happy, because that is me. I don't think like other people. I don't react like other people. That doesn't mean I don't care. It means that the average person is going to find it difficult to see that. Whether it's worth it or not is their choice.

So go ahead. Don't forgive me. Call me cruel. I'll own it. I'm not even bitter about it anymore. I'm not exactly in a position for anyone to even try to forgive me for anything.

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