closed ♔ and when we collide | we'll see what gets left over

[dragonsclaw]

WHO || Failboat [closed]
WHAT || After the announcement, Jack calls a meeting
WHERE || Thomas Bancroft's room, the Castle
WHEN || 8am, the day after LA
HOW || Actionspam or prose

Solace's announcement makes the situation unfortunately plain - those who have worked to stop Blade and company for the last five years have been side-lined, and will be until this ends, one way or another.  Jack has sent out a secret communication to all members of the team, asking them to gather in Thomas Bancroft's old room, which has stood empty since his death, and is usually locked.

When they make their way there before 8am, however, they will find the door unlatched.  Jack is already inside, with Gar seated near him, one hand on his arm.  Kat leans against the wall behind Fred, who is seated in a chair.  Her arms are folded, and she's grinding her teeth back and forth.

Comments

[bigbad]

[Spike thinks of his own... well, he doesn't know what Dumage is to him, but it's certainly different with her. It seems like she'll take any excuse to go away. But maybe he's not the Des in this situation. Maybe he's the Azrael.

But he certainly isn't doing as good a job of it.]

Is it worth it?

[nothingsodivine]

[Des shrugs a shoulder, and meets Spike eyes with a level gaze as if to impress upon him how serious he is.] If it wasn't, I wouldn't be doing everything I swore I'd never do. People'll look at it and say I got broken down, but it's not that. I just decided that all these things that I had built up to protect myself didn't define me, and that I didn't need them when it came to him. I trust him.

And I'm not gonna sit here and tell you, oh he's really not a bad guy. He is what he is- some of it isn't pretty. But he's good to me, and I know why he does everything he does. In the end, maybe that's all you can hope for when you're in love with someone who might not be the best person- trust that they won't hurt you once you let them in, and understanding about why they do what they do.

[bigbad]

Maybe. [Spike can't help feeling a little dubious still. It's easy to justify your own choices, and somehow an outside perspective is more right than other people might want to give it credit for. But Des does seem happy, and that's rare enough that Spike isn't really going to be the one to tell him what he's got is bad.]

The world's never been black and white, especially when it comes to love. I'm glad you found each other. Just wish it didn't seem to mean losing everything else in the process.

[nothingsodivine]

Yeah, that part kinda sucks. [He waves a hand.] But I said it before, and I'll say it again... I care a lot about you guys, but I was never gonna be able to stay. If it hadn't been for Az, I'd still be struggling to break my curse without ever once understanding it. I was... miserable after Jade died, and no one could understand. [He pauses, sucking in a breath, as if expecting a reprimand.] Look, I know so was everyone- my pain wasn't any worse than everyone else who was mourning, except for where it was, because I didn't just lose Jade. I lost hope.

I was happy with her. She loved me the same way Az does- unconditionally. For who I am- not some nebulous what I could be. I really thought I could let myself live with her, instead of trying to kill myself faster.

[It's clear this is... Difficult. Even if it's something he's thought and felt a hundred times over- saying it is like putting it out there for scrutiny, to have it nitpicked or found wanting. Or maybe even found insulting in some way.

He's... never had a good handle on explaining his feelings to people. It never goes quite the way he wants it to, but he presses on.] And then she was gone, and... That was the closest I'd ever gotten. I just knew it deep down. Four thousand years is a long time for anyone, but no human can handle that. We're not built for it. Especially not what I went through year after year, decade after decade, century after century, dying over and over again and never really dying, when it was all I wanted. When I lost her, I thought I was gonna be staring down the barrel of more pointless centuries, and this time I probably wouldn't have the will to not break.

So I looked for answers in a place I'd never looked before, and I started to understand a little better what all this mess was. It's all fucked up beyond belief, but I never got that kind of understanding anywhere else. And I haven't since.

No one wants to be told that they weren't enough, especially not in comparison to what Az is. But it's true. It was true when it was Jade, and it's true when it's him. And y'know what? With him, it really was enough to do the one thing I spent thousands of years chasing.

[bigbad]

[It's a hell of a story. Spike's quiet as he takes it all in. Des' dramatic backstory. Or you know, current story, since most of the stuff he's telling him took place after Spike and Des had met.]

But after all that, after your curse broke, you... got your immortality back? On purpose this time?

[nothingsodivine]

[Des sucks in a breath.] A lot went into that decision. It wasn't just... "Well, it broke and I want it back." I spent almost a whole year as a mortal, trying to decide how I wanted to play this.

But my curse didn't just break. It didn't just go away one day. There was... a moment. I- [he swallows, like this is still something difficult to talk about] When Rafael, Buffy, and I got kidnapped by Iscariot... They couldn't kill me, so they were gonna break me. They wanted to use me. Azrael fought off every Iscariot guard that got in his way to get to me. A bunch more showed up- I got defiant. I got angry. I stood in front of Azrael, and told them that even if this situation went pear-shaped- if they somehow managed to kill Azrael and break me... There was no way they could take him from me. He's the one thing in my life that has been constant- there was never a time when I didn't feel something for him, even if it was hate.

They could take everything from me, but that would remain. And once I remembered that, there'd be no stopping me from destroying them. I told them all of that- I was willing to bet my entire life on that gamble if it came down to it.

I didn't even realize it broke until almost a month later. I had to be told- not even by Azrael either. He didn't know. I could have died for real in all that time and any time after, and that thought terrified me. And no one understood.

[bigbad]

No one understood that you were afraid of death? [Spike raised an eyebrow.] Hate to break it to you, mate, but that's normal for mortals.

[A beat, cause Spike... isn't actually mortal himself. Or all that afraid of death.]

...I'd wager.

[nothingsodivine]

[Des just gives Spike the MOST SCATHING LOOK.]

Oh, you think? Was that supposed to make it easier for me or just remind me of how broken I am that I found it unbearable?

[IT'S A SENSITIVE SUBJECT, SPIKE.]

[bigbad]

[Spike raises a hand like woah buddy.]

Sort of saying the opposite of that, mate. Suspect most people'd jump at the chance to be immortal no matter what the cost. If you already know what it's like not to fear death... I imagine it'd be worse.

[nothingsodivine]

[Des hisses in a breath and runs his hands over his face.] Sorry. Back when I first told people, it felt like all I ever got was, "Well, Des that's what mortals feel all the fuckin' time. Get used to the idea that you'll die."

[And now he has trauma that Spike has to deal with. Fun.] I realize that things are not always about me, and that everyone had shit going on around then, but if I said "Get over it, death is inevitable" to someone who wasn't even in my position, I would have been crucified.

[a beat.]

Which, incidentally, I have literally been crucified. Do you think anyone thinks about that? "Oh, look at Des, so flippant and immortal and snarky. Forget for a second that he's died every way a man can possibly die, and that he's spent four thousand years actively suicidal. Forget that he should be insane by now. Let's just focus on the fact that he's such a giant bitch about it."

[He makes an aggravated sound.] I try really hard to not be bitter. I really do. It's a work in progress. You don't deserve that... You're just listening to me rant in a gas station parking lot after finding out I'm a goddamned fiend. Your life took a turn somewhere, Spike.

[bigbad]

My life took a turn before I even bloody got here, I'd wager. Certainly I've never known a different life.

[He gives a half smile.]

Just wanted to get your side of the story. I won't say you can count on me as an ally, but... I'm not your enemy. Not unless I need to be.

[nothingsodivine]

Well, you have it. [shrugs] That and a nickel will get you nothing by distrust and ridicule from the rest of the team, but that's life, right?

[He steps away from the pump and turns to go, throwing over his shoulder:] If you can trust me on nothing else, trust me when I say this- you'll know when you need to be my enemy. It sure as hell ain't now. Whether everyone likes it or not, we all want the same thing right now.

[bigbad]

I believe you.

[About that, at least. Everything else, well... they'll have to wait and see.

He slides back into his car and pulls away.]