knightsoflegend | chicago ♔ it’s a tragedy to be left only with memories

Entry tags:

chicago ♔ it’s a tragedy to be left only with memories

WHO || Failboat and friends [Closed]
WHAT || As the trial drags on, the Knights spend their last few months in Chicago and tensions mount
WHERE || Various locations, Chicago
WHEN || November 21st - The end of the trial?? [Back AND Forward dated]
HOW || Actionspam, don't sweat tag order

Everybody loves a media circus and the trial of Rafael Giovanni is no exception. If he was famous before, in the days following the shooting, now he's all people are talking about, and all the tabloids want to focus on. The complications presented at some of the early hearings by Jaka, regarding the identity of the Black Scourge and Rafael's alleged reaction have only made the story more appealing to the millions watching.

They've also caused the trial to drag out for months as facts are checked, evidence is poured over, and the jury becomes only more split on the issue. In the meantime, the holidays fly by, and one of the most terrible winters in years blankets Chicago in blizzards.

This log covers any work and non-work related shenanigans the Knights have while staying in Chicago, immediately following the last log and continuing for the next couple months. This will be the Knight's last time in Chicago before the trial: after which they plan to return to the castle to fully Knight Violet and Elena and decide where to head next.

Make your own threads, don't fuss about tag order, feel free to threadjack multiple people into one thread for hang-outs, ask me if you want a certain scene with an NPC, etc. forever whatever.

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[sense motive 18; that's a no-go. he wouldn't expect her to anyway, really. he knows her better than that.] You won't. But there's not anything you can do about it, Myri. It's not like I've got some scrape and you can lay your hands over it and just make everything okay. It's deeper than that.

I know I can't just... [She lets out a short exhale, shutting her eyes briefly and shaking her head. All she's done lately is think about how she can't really help him. She can't really help any of them. That's all that this has taught her. When it comes to the things that matter, her gifts don't really change anything. She couldn't save Jade. She can't make Vi stop hiding in her room. She can't make the others forget how the stress of the trial, can't make it easier on them. And she can't do anything to help Finnick, can't bring him back to her. What good is she at all?]

I'm more than my magic. But you need to let me help you. You've shut me out and all I can wonder is if...

[She shakes her head and stops herself because she won't say it, won't voice what she's really afraid of- that he'll leave her.]

If what? [he frowns. he hasn't considered her as much as he should, due to being wrapped up in his own melodrama. somewhere along the way in doing that, he managed to convince himself that it was for ~her own good~, that she couldn't handle the darker parts of him when the reality was closer to it simply being easier for him to not talk about anything.]

[One hand comes up to cover her mouth, swallowing against the lump in her throat that's started to form. If she cries, then it's just an excuse to brush it all away and that's not what she wants. Taking a deep breath, she steels herself and hopes her voice is strong enough to not waver.]

I wonder if I'm keeping you where you don't want to be. If you'd be able to get past this if it weren't for me, for us.

Myri — [he scrubs his hand over his face. no no no this isn't happening. why is this happening?] It's not your fault, all right? Don't blame yourself. You're not keeping me where I don't want to be. [yes, he's here for the sake of the mission, but he never blamed myri for that.] What do you mean by "this"?

Whatever it is that makes you want to hide in this room all day, drinking in the dark. [She steps closer and sits at the foot of the bed, turning towards him.] You say it's deeper, something I can't heal. You're hurting, Finnick.

[he glances down, and his fingers grip at the comforter. if only he had some string. it was nice, when he could tie knots to get out of his own headspace. but that seemed to work less and less.] Sometimes I just want to forget for awhile. I don't know why it should be such a big deal.

Maybe it wouldn't be if it was just sometimes. [Her eyes drop to his hands, wanting to reach out, but not feeling like she can.] But it's not.

You're gone so often. And I know you're here, but it's... It's like you're so far away and I can't touch you.

You can always touch me. You should know that.

[She shakes her head and raises her gaze back to his eyes.]

I should know it, but... I don't. And it terrifies me Finnick. Of all the thing we've seen, nothing scares me more than feeling like I've lost you.

You could never lose me. Not in a million years. [despite all the shit they've been going through, despite everything, he honestly believes that.]

[She's quiet for a moment before she leans to cover his hand with hers.]

I want to believe it. Stargods, you have no idea how badly I do. But just saying it isn't enough anymore. I can't just... just ignore the things we don't want to talk about. I can't just pretend that I don't see you destroying yourself, bit by bit everyday. I can feel you, Finnick, but I've started to try not to.

[She hasn't told anyone that yet, hasn't found a way to. It's not easy for her to turn off her gifts, but between Finnick and Violet, it's started to feel like a yawning void that surrounds her from all sides, a darkness and apathy that aches within her, dragging her, like she's being sucked into the Void where all souls reside between this life and the next.]

I don't want that. I don't want to feel like I have to shut myself off around you in order to give you peace. We're meant to share in the other's life, aren't we? That means everything, both the good and the bad.

[ ♬ will calls (diplo remix) - grizzly bear

it's easy for him to not think about myri's empathy, because it doesn't effect him like it does her. but then she mentions it, he remembers, and a sinking feeling settles in his stomach. he hates the thought of causing her pain, knowing that's all he's been doing.

so he tries to talk.]

There's always been darkness inside of me. When I first came here, and I got to start over, I could almost forget for awhile. Bury it. Pretend everything that happened to me was all part of some bad dream. But after the concert, it was like something snapped loose. I can't pretend anymore. I can only ever hope to ... drown it all out for a little while.

[It's not what she expected, really, but she ha no idea what to think so sea not exactly surprised to hear him talk about it. Part of her is just relieved that he's talking at all.]

What happened to you, the things you've seen...I- I can't imagine what that must feel like. [The darkest stories of her past were about being hunted, but never about hunting.] But this... Are you happy like this? Trying to drown it out, trying to escape it? Is this what you want?

[he almost snaps at her — does he look happy??? — but bites his tongue.]

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't think I've known what I've wanted in ages.

[That's kind of the point. What he's doing isn't working. She's just trying to say that gently.]

Oh... [She hesitates, finding it impossible to not draw a conclusion that he's not certain about her as well. The human mind is dangerous while emotional, after all. It takes you to the worst places. But Myri would rather face that later. She finds it easier to throw herself into helping others than facing her own insecurities. Helping Finnick is easier than wondering it he has doubts about the happiness he can find in her.]

Maybe you could... [The word "try" seems harsh, like she's implying he isn't doing enough.] -say whatever is in there, whatever you've been trying not to face. Holding back hasn't seemed to help, so maybe we could try something new.

[Her hand tightens slightly on his, trying to comfort but never quite sure if she's succeeding.]

Right now? [to be fair, he was ... about to go to sleep. and the (minimal) amount of sharing he's done thus far has drained the little energy he had for ... being alive.]

Yes, right now. You're not going to feel any better about talking about it in the morning or the next day. I've watched you for so long, trying to find the right time, but it doesn't exist, Finnick. It's... [She takes in a shaking breath, but for all her fear, she has to think about herself as much as others.]

It's now or never.

Don't give me ultimatums, Myrilandel.

[he lays down on his side, facing away from her. one might think that he'd taken the "never" part of now or never, but in reality he needs to not look at her to properly rev up.]

I'm a coward. The only time I've ever truly been brave was when I was a killer, and that hardly counts for anything. Not only am I a coward, I'm selfish. None of it really matters to me. I only get upset for what I'm losing, not because of what any of it actually is, but because I don't know who I am without it. Any time I've ever tried to talk with you, you've made me feel worse because you're so caring and selfless and I don't think that's something I could ever truly be. I apologize for that.

[She wants to tell him that he's not those things, that he's wonderful and kind and has always made her feel safe. That was true once, but now she wonders if she really knows him at all. He's fooled so many people into believing this crafted lie for their mission, so maybe this is really Finnick and the rest was just for show. She doesn't want to believe that, but how else can she feel?]

I told you...if being around me makes it worse.... [It's all she can think to offer, especially when he says that talking to her makes him feel worse about himself for not being the things he see in her.] I... I love you, and I want to help but I don't know how. I want you to be happy, however that must be achieved, but I can't change who I am... I'm not suddenly going to stop wondering or worrying, and I don't know where that leaves us.

Edited 2014-02-09 15:55 (UTC)

You leaving would make it worse. [he cranes his neck to look at her.] Can't you just ... be there? Without judging me?

[When he turns to look at her over his shoulder, her eyes drop out fear that she'll break down. Unfortunately, she can't stop the way her voice cracks with emotion.]

Is that what you think of me? That I'm here out of some judgement?

[He tone drops quieter.] If it were me, could you just watch this happen?

[She's afraid to know the answer that last question. If she was hurting as bad as she can feel he is, she wouldn't want her friends and loved ones to just wait it out. She would want people to fight to help her. Unfortunately, even with her insight on how other people feel, it doesn't help her much to know how to react, so she can only base that off of her own experience.]

[he was familiar enough with his own behavior; he'd seen it in other victors. but no, they never reached out for each other, not really. because there was a mutual understanding of why they were all fucked up, and what could they do, really? snow would have their asses if he felt they were getting too cozy, anyway. it was always better to avoid giving him the opportunity. but he can't bring himself to say that, can't answer that question in a way he feels will just prove her point of how awful he is.]

You gave me an ultimatum and made me feel even worse for wear because now I know that I'm hurting you. But I can't just ... flip a switch and be the same person I used to be. I don't know where that person is right now.

[and then, quietly] I'm sorry.

I haven't asked you to flip a switch. But can you please understand that you're asking me to do just that? All the things you say I am, all the things you think you're not... I can't just stop that. I can't just sleep beside you in this bed and feel worlds apart and not say anything. [She throws a hand out to gesture to the door, back out to the rest of the suite.] I feel as though all I do with the others sometimes is pretend. And it kills me. I can't do that with you- not anymore. I won't.

[She wants the words to be firm, but all she wants to do is collapse and cry. Tears slip down her cheeks, but she won't touch them, won't bring attention to them by brushing them away.]

[ ♬ lies - eli lieb

he feels like retorting that pretending is ALL HE EVER DOES and he understands. he understands because it used to be easy with her. he could be himself with her. but he can't do that, either — because "himself" seems to be something she no longer wants.

his face stays pressed against his pillow; he can't look at her anymore as the words come out even quieter than his last statement, barely even audible.]

Then don't.

(no subject)

witchwoman - 2014-02-09 23:03 (UTC) - Expand

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