knightsoflegend | debriefing ♔ in the emptiness there's a solution

Entry tags:

debriefing ♔ in the emptiness there's a solution | just look within yourself for absolution

♬ locking up the sun- poets of the fall

WHO || Wynn, Buffy, Myri, Finnick, Spike, Gar, Archer, Des, Vi, Rafael, Fred Jr., Dumage, Mark, Rocket, open! [Closed]
WHAT || Andres Mission Debrief & Aftermath
WHERE || Knights HQ, lobby etc.
WHEN || September 18th [forward dated*]
HOW || Actionspam. Single thread, don't worry about maintaining tagging order.

There are plenty of missions that return to the castle a success - most of them, even. The defeated air of the solemn group that returns from their diplomatic mission to Andres Isle to hear the demands of dictator Dimitris Sarandis makes it quite clear that this wasn't one of those.

Starting with Sarandis' actual demands - for all Knights to withdraw from Andres under penalty of death, or for Wynn to offer his own head in return for Thomas' safe return - and ending with the unexpected, disturbing confession from Kat that she intended to stay behind on the island because she had "fallen in love with" the dictator, the events of the island made it very clear that Sarandis was cannily playing his hand to get the Knights where he wanted them.

Fred Jr. shoves open the doors with his unnatural strength, stalking in ahead of the group into the lobby. Whoever's on desk duty isn't going to have to roll a high wisdom check to see that these people are pissed... and distraught... and a myriad of other emotions on the bad end of the scale.

*I am changing the date of the briefing log and Andres log/live session to have taken place in September, to avoid us being in backdated hell forever, and to allow for a September squiring ceremony before apps are closed. Carry on... in the future!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Even if it wasn't, I'm pretty much full up on wise. I spent all my wisdom on trying not to start an international incident. By now, I'm reduced to the basic "do what feels good" principle. [ She tugs at his hand, offering a stupid, lopsided smile. ] You staying feels good.

[ After a beat, the humor and pep fade to give way to the more honest, tired expression. ]

Considering it may be some time before we can see each other again, I'd have to agree. [ he follows her, hand warm in hers. ] Do you feel ready?

Ready to eat junk food and watch Netflix and pretend like tomorrow's never coming? Yes. Ready to touch down in Andres with no idea when we'll get back or how many of my friends will even make it through? [ She pauses to shake her head, glancing away. ] I don't think there's a way to be ready for that.

If anyone can do it, it is you. [ the look he turns on her is full of guileless respect. ]

[ The way she reluctantly averts her gaze at first makes it evident that she doesn't quite believe that. However, when she looks up at him, the argument drains out of her and she has to just take a minute to bask. Even if she doesn't believe it's true of herself, necessarily, she believes him. He wouldn't say it if she couldn't do it. ]

Thanks.

[ She smiles, nodding. Dipping down to the left, she starts for the kitchen. She wasn't kidding about the Netflix and junk food. ]

I hope I can find something of use back at NOVA. [ he follows after her slowly ] Or it will feel as if...

[ She squeezes his hand reassuringly, leaning in a bit as she readily defends, ] You're helping.

[ Buffy already knows how hard it must be for him to bench himself. She's not going to let Rafael beat himself up about it. ]

Andres isn't the only front we're fighting this war on.

And it is, perhaps, not the kind of fight I should be a part of anyway.

What makes you say that? I kinda though it had Rafael Giovanni written all over it.

The goals, perhaps. But I did not mean in terms of the reasons.

Huh? [ That doesn't help. She ducks into the kitchen, leaning her hips back against the counter and resting her hands on the edge at her sides. ] Splainy?

[ rafael follows slowly, searching for the words. ] On a battlefield, Buffy. As a soldier. You remember the conversation I had with Wynn. [ his expression is pained at recalling it. ] Killing under orders, no matter what the reason, is a slope that is very slick.

Uh, slippery. [ She shrugs lightly, pressing her lips together in an attempt at neutrality. ] We say slippery. But I see your point.

[ She drops her gaze briefly, considering something. For a minute, she appears to battle with herself over saying it, and then finally she turns her gaze back on him and arches her eyebrows, soft concern more apparent than ever, even as she puts him on the spot. ]

Hard habit to break, huh? [ Raising a hand to gesture from herself to him, she notes; ] Back on Andres. You wanted to do it on my order.

[ ♬ time for people - atomship

rafael stops in place, blinking at her for a moment as if taken aback, but he seems to give the statement some serious consideration before responding. ] I wasn't trying to put the responsibility for that decision in your hands, carina.

I know how it upset you, the ease with which I did the same in Italia. Perhaps it is just that I cannot bear to see you look at me that way again.

[ Something flickers across her expression, an instinctive urge to disagree as he says he wasn’t trying—well trying or not, that’s what would have come of it. She’d have been the one to pull the trigger, even if she used his hand to do it. If she’d given him permission, that …

His admission quickly squashes her pedantry. Buffy holds his gaze steadily, searching his eyes. Grim resolve hangs heavy in the lines of her face, lines that weren’t there two years ago. But alongside that resolve is a softness, a sense of understanding, and just the slightest hint of guilt. Guilt that she’d ever hurt him like that.

Carefully, she steps forward to shrink the distance between them, tilting her head up accordingly to keep her eyes on his. ]

How am I looking at you now?

[ A moment’s silence spreads, but she doesn’t allow it to extend too long. Reaching down, she finally diverts her gaze when she takes his hand in hers, tracing the lines of his palm before closing their palms together and enveloping his hand in both of hers. ]

What Wynn’s asking us to do … [ She looks back up at him, determination hardening her face. ] What we have to do. [ Just like Rafael wouldn't try to put the responsibility for his choices on Buffy even as he sought her permission, Buffy can't allow herself to do that with Wynn, to use him as a scapegoat. ] I can’t keep closing my eyes to this. I'm gonna need a little ease. [ Her heart breaks, even saying it, but her expression quirks as she adds, ] Maybe somewhere between the two of us, there’s a happy medium.

[ his eyes flash between hers as she stares up at him, and he seems to be honestly trying to read her gaze, but then he looks down at their hands together, and a line creases his forehead as she speaks. ] Maybe. Si. [ his voice is soft, the ghost of a smile brushing his lips ] I cannot claim to regret every life I have taken, Buffy. Pretending to does no good, either.

I'm glad. I am, I—But I don't know that I'll ever be able to think like that.

[ She drops her gaze, feeling genuinely sorry for it. ]

I don't know that I can convince myself that taking one life is more okay than another.

[ It feels wrong. Everything about trying to build herself up to it feels wrong, down to her bones. The power differential just isn't fair. These are people, not monsters. There are justice systems in place for this. Even Sarandis, even knowing what he's done, trying to imagine killing him is—

She squeezes her eyes shut, shaking her head.

When the time comes, she'll be ready. She has to be. ]

If I let myself start thinking like that, then who draws the line? Who makes those calls? Me? Why is that fair?

[ ♬ how does it feel - avril lavigne

his expression darkens, and he turns away, tense. ] It is good... that you can feel this way. I don't know that I wish to change that.

But it may mean there are some things on which we will never agree.

I’d be worried if we didn’t have some of those.

[ The ‘we’ feels more couple-y when she says it. That’s normal, right? Myri and Finnick have sure had their share of moral stand-offs. They keep each other balanced, though. She doesn’t reach out for Rafael this time, but she does sound cautiously hopeful as she suggests it, leaning just slightly as if trying to call it over his shoulder.

It hurts, a little: watching him turn his back on her over this. But she has the presence of mind to assure herself that it’s more on the subject matter than on Buffy. ]

Most of them aren't quite so extreme.

Well, what am I supposed to think? Most people can't do what I can.

[ It's not some judgment against Rafael and his methods, or the other Knights. But Buffy has a way of skewing scales with her super strength. ]

I don't know who made me capable of doing the things I do, but if I used it to hurt people instead of monsters? To hurt instead of protect them? I wouldn't deserve to keep it. That's not a fair fight: being judge and jury isn't my job, not with people. There are laws for that.

The fact that you think this way is likely why you were the one chosen for such powers, such responsibility, instead of someone like me.

Maybe.

[ She reaches out, touching his arm, officially done staring at the back of his head. ]

And maybe the only reason I have the luxury of thinking that way is because I haven’t had to make the choices you have. When the law is the one you need to protect people from, it’s not always as easy as washing your hands of it. The things you’ve seen, and fought—it’s always been people who’ve done it. People like Sarandis.

[ Her stomach sinks. It should be him going with them, even if they do need someone at NOVA, even if he can’t risk the exposure. She shuts her eyes, self-flagellating for even thinking that she needs him there. It’s not fair to him, or herself. ]

It's not exactly one-size-fits-all.

[ he does turn to look at her, seeming to find some sort of small twisted comfort in her words at least ] ... You are probably right, in this. As much as we have talked about some of those we've fought as monsters, they are not the literal kind that you are so good at stopping.

[ She gives a slight shrug. ]

We’ve all got our niches. This … really isn’t mine.

[ Which she’s pretty comfortable admitting, all things considered, even if she’s beginning to wonder if her niche is anything that special when Faith has cropped up. She offers a weary smile. ]

Might be easier if it were. Just swoop in, kick butt, and bail.

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