knightsoflegend | CHAPTER FOUR ♔ does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love

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CHAPTER FOUR ♔ does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love

WHO || Failboat, Rafael, Isabella, Nadia [Closed]
WHAT || After an exciting Grammy night, the Knights meet up with Nadia to hear what she has to say
WHERE || Staples Center, LA --> Warehouse
WHEN || Feb 8th, 2015 [back dated]
HOW || Actionspam

[ The Knights' mission to stop the signal and prevent Draken's cult from spreading whatever subliminal message was lurking beneath Keijen Blade's performance was a success. It didn't come without its bumps in the road, however: Alexander Anderson showed up, and the Knights ran afoul of the Mind Master. Buffy nearly died fighting Anderson, but in the end, he was defeated, beheaded, and hopefully put to death forever. Finnick, though, found himself thrust into a mental illusion that convinced him he might still be in the Hunger Games, and left him uncertain about whether any of his life here was real.

Another surprise came in the form of an announcement by Nadia Reichenov, an artist working with Crombe and company, that she was changing her band name and taking things in a 'new direction'. This direction was perhaps revealed when after her performance, she approached the Knights in Rafael's dressing room - and handed them the necklace that connects her to the Nightmare God Malaak'a, saying she was willing to tell them everything. ]

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She told you, just now, that they believed you already knew about this... Lazarus. [ his forehead furrows and he crit failed his will save to look up through any of this so he just lets it all out in a rush ] At some point, they decided this must have meant that I knew, also. They chose to target me, to see if they could pluck the secret from my mind. But to do so, they had to lower my defenses, make it so that I would not notice what they were doing.

It was she they sent.

Lower your defenses …

[ Now her hand drops. The shake of her head comes from a deliberate kind of cluelessness, the kind that doesn't want to imagine the means Nadia might use to do that. Buffy furrows her brow, balking slightly. ]

What do you mean? What did she do?

[ he drops his head into his hands, forcing the words out as if each one is physically painful for him, his voice thick. ] She's a telepath, Buffy. They can trick the senses, make you see or hear whatever they wish you to.

I thought-- I thought it was a dream at first. It would be easy to dismiss my guilt for it that way, or to say that perhaps she swayed me with her abilities, but I cannot know that. I consider myself responsible for the decision I made, even if I hate myself for having made it.

She came to me as Jade. Woke me in the middle of the night. I-- [ he stops himself, not wanting to or feeling like he needs to say any more about what transpired. it seems pretty clear. finally, he raises his eyes towards her, his gaze burning with regret. ] I had thought myself so much stronger than this. I had hoped that her memory was put to rest, but now I have nothing but fears that my heart will never be whole enough to offer to another. That should I let myself love again, I will be the one to hurt the person I--

[ he looks down again ] I had to find a way to stop myself from ever doing that. I have done enough damage.

[ ♬ nights in goodville - anna ternheim

a broken dead laugh rises half strangled from his throat ] And instead, I will hurt Isabella. It seemed so reasonable only a week ago. I am all she has in this world, and no matter what I do, she will not be driven from my side, has nowhere else to turn, no other friends or family even. I thought perhaps I could give her what she wished, at least make one person happy, even if it meant-- [ he drags his fingers through his hair, the hand visibly shaking. ] I am the biggest fool that has ever lived, carina. But if there is anyone who should know this by now, it is you, who knows me best.

Edited 2015-04-10 02:45 (UTC)

[ ♬ rinse - vanessa carlton

By now, she might be used to it.

Buffy thinks she ought to be, at least. She had resigned herself to it, once. That Rafael would never be able to move on from Jade—that he'd lost a part of himself when Jade died, and Buffy would have to content herself with being his friend and confidante. But in the bottom of Pandora's box was the worst evil of all: hope. When he'd turned her away in New York, chosen to stay on this plane, she'd believed for a moment that they might be able to build something, as she'd vowed to him that day on the bridge: together.

Now she can see how foolish that was, to ever believe that he could return her feelings. She'd sold herself a farce and held him accountable to it, waiting for a day that was never going to come. It was hopeless. Stupid. A blind daydream, not unlike Isabella's own blind devotion. Fewer men died at the feet of Helen of Troy than women throw themselves onto the pyre for Rafael's grief.

After the day she's had, it's enough to crumble the last of her resolve. None of her struggled, desperate grabs for composure succeed. One staggered step back, and her lips tremble, eyes watering. Her expression contorts with the effort of holding it all back, but she can't. Not now. It's the final drop of a guillotine, and her shuddered breath is a death rattle.

Just like that, she falls apart in what is otherwise total silence.

She thought she could hold this back until they were at a hotel, until she could securely lock herself in the bathroom and cry until she couldn't breathe and let it all out at once. Didn't think it would come through the cracks here and now, but she can't stop it.

Tears stream down her face unbidden as she shakes her head to continue her fight against them, but she dares not make a sound lest he turn to see her now. Jack sent her into the warehouse a titan, but now, she's nothing more than a weak and wounded animal. One hand reaches up to cup over her mouth and she turns away, grimacing through her tears. Misery pulls her gaze upwards as she tries to blink the tears back, a wasted effort.

As he hates himself for what had transpired between him and Nadia, so too she hated herself for holding it against him now. She had manipulated him, as much as Kyp manipulated Elena and in all the same ways. What Kyp did was monstrous. Unforgivable, but for Elena's kindness.

But beyond the crime is her choice of deception, and selfishness pervades Buffy's reaction like a poison. It worked only because he would still go to her. Cast all of them off without a second thought. He still dreamed of her, pined for her, no matter what choice he made in New York. Would still cast Buffy off, for her. No matter what the past years had held for them, that hurdle would never be overcome by Buffy fighting her way through to him. Super strength cannot win a heart.

And neither can time.

Guilt and shame at her own selfish suffering cause her to put it aside, to think of poor Isabella, whose greatest crime was loving someone who could not love her back, just as Spike had done. Buffy had used him, too, and their relationship would never be what it had been because of that mistake. For years, she's carried that with her, hated herself for it, allowed it to taint every approach she makes to Spike. Every ducked gaze, every soft apology, every deference she makes to his charges against her. And Rafael's making that same mistake now and believing it to be a kindness.

So she swallows her own pain, though her voice is still thick and watered down, and round back towards him to focus on that point. ] What you're doing to Isabella is wrong. [ He knows this, of course. He would not hate himself if he didn't. ] And it won't make her happy. [ Just like Buffy could never have made Spike happy, not truly. The kindest thing she'd ever done for him was to hold the line beyond that, even when the temptation rose again. It's allowed them the space to become allies, partners, friends, with the baggage securely in the past. ]

I know, Buffy. I know. [ his voice is quiet, mired in misery. ] I cannot claim it was a well thought out decision. It was panic, a moment that felt like painful clarity in the wake of-- [ he grimaces, and his voice softens further as he says: ] But for all I have hurt her, it is perhaps nothing next to what I have done to you.

Not a moment has passed since I asked Isabella that question that I have not regretted it and thought that perhaps it was not too late to take back what I had already done. She is the one who must have told Burt, and I never thought, not in a million years that he would-- [ he winces, clearly feeling stupid for underestimating burt doing anything ever ] I should have known he could not resist broadcasting such a story. That is why I asked you not to believe what you heard, not to think that I--

That you what?

[ Her words ring out—sharp, injured and disbelieving. As if the end of that sentence might make it better. As if believing anything of him would be worse than the truth. The worst in all of it is that she keeps her promise through all of it. The stranglehold on her heart does nothing to dim the love that she feels for him.

But if there's anything she can see in watching him do this to Isabella, it's that maybe loving him, waiting for him to see her, it's not enough. And it will never be enough. ]

Rafael, I understand why you did it. [ She sounds tired, a sense of resignation creeping through the weeping mess. ] But you can't keep this up. You can't go through with this, and I'm not saying that because of— [ Her eyes squeeze shut. It kills her to say this to his back, but in this moment, as she drops her gaze and accepts her heartache, she's glad she doesn't have to look him in the eyes. ] Because of anything that I feel for you. I'm saying it because the only way she can be happy is for you to let her go. You can't run to her when you're feeling weak just because it's easy and it makes you feel better. I know because I've done it, and I will regret that choice for the rest of my life.

[ Silence dwindles for a moment, and she quiets her pain by shutting her eyes. Works through it to at least slow the steady stream of her tears. ]

Do you remember the night you first told me who you really are? About how you met Jade, and how you loved her?

[ he turns to her now, holding her gaze and his breath as he stares at her intently, forcing himself to study her expression, to face it. ] ... Si. I will never forget.

[ ♬ white blank page - mumford and sons

Despite all the hurt, and despite any better judgment, there's a glimmer of warmth in her chest at the way he says it. It's colored by loss, though, overwhelmed by her despair, and turns quickly to a cold weight.

Tears trace pale lines down splotchy red cheeks, shadowed by the dim lighting. But her expression softens as she looks back on her own guilt, what she would readily accept as one of her darkest moments, even in file with her actions tonight and back on Andres. ]

Being close to you, listening to you talk about Jade … All I wanted was for you to feel for me even a fraction of what you felt for her. [ Admitting that feels less bold now, a wasted effort. A scream into a void. It turns her tone hopeless and hollow as she continues, ] But you didn't even see me.

[ Stepping forward, she takes a turn for the truly repentant as she explains. ]

Someone else did, though. I wanted to believe that even if you didn't, someone could love me like that. Spike did. With everything he had, he loved me, and I never deserved any of it. After I left your room, I went to him. [ Tears burn her eyes, and when she blinks, they roll quickly down her face instead of pulling back into her eyes. She shakes her head. ]

And when I found him in his room, I let him … [ Well. It speaks for itself. ] I let him think that I loved him too. [ Her tone turns harsh, brutal even, as if she wishes that Buffy who had stepped into Spike's room that night were here for her to be lashing out at now. ] I took advantage of him. Used what he felt for me to make myself feel better. Just like you're doing to Isabella now.

I wish someone had stopped me. He didn't believe it at the time, but the kindest thing I've ever done for Spike was telling him that truth: that I would never feel anything like that for him. That there was no future for us. That it was a mistake, and I was weak. He didn't believe there was ever a chance that he might move on, love someone else, even give up on me, but he has. Because I don't let myself turn my weakness on him, even when I've wanted to.

Edited 2015-04-10 04:17 (UTC)

[ ♬ one sweet love - sara bareilles ]

You-- [ whatever he wanted to say seems to get choked off, his entire face falling as he stares at her, struck by the confession. ] Buffy, I never-- I am so sorry I ever drove you to such a thing, that I ever left you feeling that this was your only -- [ he stops himself, shaking his head ] But you are wrong about why I proposed to Isabella, if you believe for a moment it was to find comfort for myself. I truly thought it was what she would want, thought I could do right by one single person in my life. I care about her, wish the best for her, even if I could not give her my heart.

And yet, I was wrong, as I have always been. I know that. Know I must end it, but the damage has already been done.

On every front. [ he glances back up at her for a moment, squeezing the railing once more ] It is not fair to her to give her hope that I could ever love her in the way she deserves. But it is not fair for me to give that hope to anyone, because there is a part of me that will always love her.

How could I ever ask anyone to accept this? Who ever could?

Edited 2015-04-10 04:49 (UTC)

Then don't.

[ The words are cold, even if her tone still carries the fragility of her emotional state. A simple answer to a complex problem. ]

Jade's dead. She's never coming back. Until you can accept that, or find a way to move on and love someone else too, then don't ask that of anyone. All it does is let your grief become a weapon against the people you care about. [ She takes a deep breath, stepping closer. Resting her hand over his on the railing. ] Because we more than care about you.

I love you. [ She tilts her head, genuine affection in her eyes, even now. ] More than … more than anything. And I probably always will, just like you'll always love Jade. But I can't keep hoping that one day I'm going to be enough, that one day you'll actually feel something for me.

And Isabella can't either. Maybe she doesn't see it, but if you care about her? You owe it to her to make her see it.

Edited 2015-04-10 05:54 (UTC)

[ ♬ wrecking ball (cover) - jasmine thompson

he just continues staring at her, lips slightly parted as if his brain has disconnected from his body and he has no idea what to say or do. ] I see. [ the words are chillingly quiet, his shoulders slumping as he takes in what she's asking of him. ]

Well, you need not fear, then. I already intended to tell her. To make things very clear.

Buffy, I-- [ he looks like he wants desperately to say something else, but her words silence him, halt his own on the tip of his tongue. ]

I wish it were as easy as to turn off how I felt for her. But if you love me in the same way I loved her, then you understand why I may not ever be able to. If that is what you wish from me, then... [ he squares his shoulders, looking askance as he forces himself to say: ]

Then I am likely not the man who will ever be able to give you the love you deserve. There will always be a part of me with her. Perhaps what I've truly been fooling myself with is to think that I could escape that fact some day. That through time alone, I would be whole again.

[ he pushes off from the railing, turning towards the door, stops himself and adds: ] I am not saying that what I feel for her means I cannot let someone else into my heart. [ he hangs his head, reaching up to rest his hand on the door handle, his next words hushed. ] ... In fact, I know much better. [ he turns the handle, pushing the door open again without looking back. ] But it will not be enough. If I love someone, why would I offer them half a heart?

[ with that, he moves to step inside. ]

[ It's always the way with them.

Words turning to ash on their tongues, failing them, leaving too much left unsaid. Creating this space between them that stretches from the railing to the door of the warehouse. And for a moment, Buffy looks ready to let him go. Beaten, worn down, hopeless and defeated. She was just like Isabella—striving blindly for something that was never going to happen, and he was in no hurry to prove her wrong (sense motive c-c-crit fail).

But her eyes dart up out to the bay when he mutters to himself, hand on the door (listen 27). There's something there that she can't let lie. Her face turns toward him, searching the slump of his shoulders. (And that's where the action point came in. Sense motive 26.)

Breezing through the darkness like she's made her home at it, Buffy reaches abruptly out to grab his arm, to keep him there with her. She whips him around to face her, searching his eyes for that glimmer of hope she needs. Three years, she's held onto whispers like that. Three years, she's built hope from near-nothing out of him, but now … ]

I'm not asking you to stop loving her. I know that's impossible.

[ Better than anyone, she knows. Even if they did go their separate ways, even if there were no way for him to move on and love her back, she would never be able to forget what she feels for him. ]

I'm just asking you to love me too. You're not incomplete without her. Jade will always be a part of your past, of who you are, but if you can let someone in, then they can be your future. [ A beat. She's come this far (will save 24). ] I want to be your future, but if there's no chance of that, then … [ She shakes her head. ] Keep walking. And maybe one day, I'll find a way to stop following.

[ ♬ the rose - leann rimes

he stops at her touch, letting go of the door, which bangs shut once more with a jarring noise as he turns to look down at her. his own hand rests on her forearm, initially as if to steady himself when she whips him around, but then with a tenderness that's reflected in his eyes, a hope kindling there, warring against all the self-loathing he's been drowning in.

her words take a moment to really sink in, but as they do, amazement and bewilderment prompt him to raise his hand to her cheek. he brushes his knuckles there with gentle affection, eyebrows drawing together in concern as he registers the remaining tears in the corner of her eyes, moving to brush one away with intense care. ]

Carina. [ while the word broadcasted his conflicted heartache before, now it holds something else, a breathy exhalation that's nothing but overwhelmed by what's directly in front of him. ] Would you give me a chance I have done nothing to deserve? A chance perhaps to earn such affection? [ there's a plea there, born out of his current low point of self esteem, that's all too clear. accepting her love right here, right now, having done what's clearly nothing in his eyes to merit it, will probably just leave him feeling just as insecure about it.

he moves to tangle his fingers through her own with his other hand, raising it to his lips, and pressing a kiss there as his brow furrows further. ] Per favore, mia carina.

[ A traitorous warmth bubbles in her chest as he brings her hand up to kiss it. She wars with herself a moment, but even as she stamps the reaction down, the light doesn't leave her eyes.

Slowly, she nods. ]

To earn it. [ The words are an agreement that there's a road ahead. ] I would. [ correcting herself, she quickly amends, ] I will.

[ Here comes the but, a lingering uncertainty in her eyes. ]

But not like this. [ She squeezes his hand before dropping hers away to her side. ] Not with you … engaged to someone else. [ If asking Isabella to marry him was wrong, what they're doing here is worse. Everything that Isa doubtlessly feared. ] I can't do this to her. [ Even if she had no problem doing it to Buffy ... ] After you end it, then we can talk.

[ as she drops his hand, he lowers the one still hovering against her face, a tacit agreement, even as he nods. ] That was my thought as well. [ there's a moment of relief there, that she understands why he can't - won't - say or do more here and now. that he's honestly concerned about doing right by isabella as much as he can through all this, even if his intention is to end it. still, he can't seem to tear his eyes off her, or make himself move towards the door, so it's a good thing that suddenly a rock comes flying over the building and hits the deck next to them, causing him to jump for a moment, and look around sharply. ] -- What was that?

Edited 2015-04-10 07:08 (UTC)

[ Genius and scholar that she is, Buffy does tear her eyes off of him to go crouch and pick it up. Turning it over in her hand, she looks up at Rafael, confusion evident. ]

's a rock. [ What the fuck. Standing, she looks suddenly alert. ] Some kind of signal?

[ She glances out at the dark water, then back at Rafael. ] Let's move around front and make sure they're okay.

Si, that is probably best. [ with a nod, he moves towards the edge of the building, glancing back at her out of the corner of his eye again for a lingering moment, as if he's afraid this was a hallucination. #finnickodairlife ]

[ Shoulder-to-shoulder, Buffy keeps close to Rafael and the edge of the building as she moves along the side, up towards the front. She doesn't look up at him as she notes, ] About that gun ... [ That she'd definitely told him to put away. Let's just say prowling around the side of a warehouse is enough to make a gal change her mind. ]

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CHAPTER FOUR ♔ does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love

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