knightsoflegend | open ♔ fall/winter socialization log

Entry tags:

open ♔ fall/winter socialization log

WHO || Everyone! [ota]
WHAT || Shenanigans. Sorry that it's covering like half a year. Forgive me. Let us never speak of it again.
WHERE || Anywhere in the castle, surrounding environs, London, Andres, etc!
WHEN || Any time in Fall/Winter 2016
HOW || Actionspam

[ The castle can be a happening place, even on more mundane days. This log is for random interactions over the course of these few months. Because not everyone is into parties, ok. Characters who are not currently squired in may also post, as their characters are living in the castle awaiting their ceremonies. This takes place after the Knights have returned from rescuing Gar in New York City, but before the planned Keijen Blade concert at the beginning of 2017.

You are encouraged to start your own threads and tag around, and feel free to threadjack into any on-going threads that aren't specified as 'closed' in the subject lines since people can enter into rooms even in the middle of what's going on. WE ARE BIG ON THREAD-JACKING HERE. You can also specify 'single thread', meaning you want only one response for all participants, rather than multi-thread, where a number of different scenes/threads can be done as replies to the top prompt.]

On this log:

Section Heads
Failboat Return from NYC | multiple threads
Lance Sweets | Light wing appointments/training area/kitchen/movie rooms
Felicity Braddock | The bar/London/training room/shooting range/library
Kevin Beckman | Front desk
Sark & Sydney | closed
Wynn | everywhere
Jack & Buffy | closed
Hasmed & Solas | closed
Lis'sa (& Gar) | Hoard lab/library
Koraith | common rooms
Christos & Sylar & Katniss | closed
Mark/Alainn/Dana/Michael/Gar | garden
Logan & Scott | TV room
Belle & Gold | closed
Constantine & Zatanna | front lobby
Dante Wilder | Old man bar/training room
Darth Vane | Dungeon
Helen Magnus | Hoard lab/library/bedroom
Jade | Kitchen/training room
Myri | Light wing/training rooms
Lois Lane | London
Alainn O'Rourke | castle

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

They don't have to get into the fray. [She's never really thought about it. She's also never just asked people why they're there. She just assumes.]

And there's plenty of us to make sure that even if you're in the fray that someone has your back.

You trust these people with your life?

[She's not sure if she should read too much into him saying 'these people' as if they're some weird cult... but she can see how it looks. She also has an issue with trusting people and to group all of them into one group -- to make her say that she trusts every person in this place without even knowing some of them is a lot to ask.]

Some of them. [She says it like it's a question, instead of an answer. She knows that she's supposed to trust them, but she's had times in her life where she was the only one that she could rely on and it's hard to break those habits. She also has been in the middle of some of the people on her team bailing and ending up with the wrong people, trying to make judgments on what information they have at the time and it being the wrong choice. Helen left everyone and Faith had trusted her to be the leader on that mission.]

There are people here that trust me with their life. [And to Faith that's more important. That she can help someone else, because who cares what happens to her in the end.]

[ he doesn't seem to understand what she's driving at with that, fixing her with a quizzical expression ] You're worried they're gonna pressure you to stay?

[She frowns, shaking her head.] No...

[She did just get permission to leave and be part-time or on-call or... whatever she just agreed to.]

I'm worried I'm not gonna want to leave. That I'll always come up with a reason to come back.

That you don't know how to cut strings. [ he chews on his cheek a moment ] I suppose you just have to be willing to make a choice and accept the consequences.

[Faith laughs. It's really weird to hear it phrased that way. She used to cut and run without any problem at all. What has this place done to her?]

I never thought I'd hear that said about me. [She exhales, pushing her hands into her hair as she leans back a little, looking up at the ornate ceiling.]

It's not about not knowing how to cut strings. I can cut strings. It's -- [She drops her hands and looks at him.] I wanted to be a part of something and maybe back home things took a wrong turn and it took me a while to get things right, but here -- I started out doing the right thing. [Yes, she knows that she's saying this to the guy that early on in her adventures with him she stole a painting with him.]

It's just something I've never had and cutting strings here is different.

Why? Because of that guy? Or something else?

Wynn? [She glances behind her, as if he might suddenly be behind her to hear all this conversation.]

No. It's -- it's not a person or something like that. It's... it's this. [She runs her fingers through her hair, taking a breath and slowly exhaling it out.]

This place. Knowing that they need me. It's selfish or maybe it's just naive.

Being a hero. [ he says it with a sense of realization ] You like it.

[She never would have considered herself the hero. She knows that it's meant to be in her to be one, that she's been given these gifts so that she can save others that don't have them, but that word hasn't been tacked onto her -- at least, not out loud. It makes her think for that moment, because is that what it is? Is it being a hero or is it being important? When she worked for the mayor she definitely wasn't being a hero, but she liked it -- she liked that she was being singled out and made to feel like she was vital, crucial to whatever he was doing.

Sure, what he was doing was planning a world takeover -- but she had a place in that takeover. Everything after that, up to a point, had been tangled up in revenge. Revenge for leaving her out, for making her feel dumb, for trying to tell her that she was wrong - not just for her actions, but on a deeper level. Revenge for trying to fix her, for trying to make her think she could be better -- do better.

Angel told her she would never be done repaying her debt. That the guilt she felt would always be there and she still feels it, but there are only two things that have made her feel better about what she's doing here and she's talking to one of them about the other right now.

It feels like she's meant to make some choice. To plainly state that she likes being the hero, but she doesn't think that's the right way to state it. She's not looking to swoop in and be the one to save the day. She's looking to have a place that accepts what she's done and gives her the chance to keep making up for all of those mistakes. She's looking for a home and maybe being a "hero" has just been a perk of that all this time. Just a benefit that she's cashed in on over and over again.

The way he says it... it sounds like he hadn't thought of it before. That she might like saving people. That all the blame she put on herself in Paris that night was because she thought she could have done better. Maybe all of the clubs, alcohol, sex, and off-the-book activity had clouded that, but she would still want to try and save someone if the opportunity came up.

For all the times she'd been beat down and made to think she wasn't worth saving -- for all of that she'd want to save someone.

Faith takes a step to the side and leans against the wall, before sliding to a low crouch against it. Her forearms rest to the tops of her knees as she tries to sort through everything that's still stuck in her head. She could have just told Wynn she wanted out and she wouldn't have had to consider any of this. Walked out with all the money she'd earned so far and been fine, but she felt obligated to stay.]

I guess. [She says it with almost a sense that she still doesn't consider herself the hero. Not defeated, but clearly unsure if that label really fits her.]

Being a Slayer was always made out to be this privilege, this gift someone gave me. Then that gift got people killed. I never wanted to have this and I made a lot of wrong moves because of it.

I don't do this to be the hero. I do this so I'm not the bad guy. [Which that statement sounds like she believes it. That statement, that she isn't working toward keeping her gold star, that she's simply been trying to keep blood off her hands, that's the truth of it.]

[ he looks surprised momentarily as she sinks against the wall with the question, hesitating as if he's not sure whether the right thing to do is squat down beside her or give her her space. He opts for the second. ]

You feel like you have to make up for what you've done. [ his voice sounds strangely distant, something clearly striking a personal nerve for him as his eyes slip to the floor ]

[Truthfully, she doesn't even realize that he might have considered moving to sit beside her. She feels as if she's isolating herself away from this now, to start cutting off those longer tendrils so that if it has to rip away, it won't hurt so much. She stares at her hands, using one of her fingernails to pick at a callous that's rough at the side of her thumb.]

Because I do. [She glances up at him.] I've killed innocent people, tortured a man that was meant to train me - I've made choices that have helped events that have killed hundreds of people. I don't want to be that person. Back home I turned myself in. I opted for prison instead, because that was the right thing to do.

Here, I can't really turn myself in for crimes of another realm and I don't want to be looked at as that person anymore, either. And here - the people that used to judge me for that, they don't even remember me. [There's a hint of bitterness in her voice, because if she's doing all this good stuff, she feels like it should count more to the people who would have thought she couldn't do it. That she'd always be bad.]

So, I use this place. I use Wynn for missions so that I can save people, help other people. I use the people who offer training so I can get better. I keep wanting to consider it a home, but I seem to keep doing everything I can to steer clear of that, [She has her own apartment, she stayed away for months with him, she has a car so she can just leave and a passport, just in case.] because I just want to do the work. I just want to keep moving forward -- [She looks up at him again.] -- because looking back isn't something I feel like doing.

And how long do you feel like you have to do this, to make up for your crimes? [ he shakes his head ] That's not how it works, Faith. What you do now doesn't change what you did. Nothing ever will. There's no balance to restore. You just have to learn to live with it.

[She drops her hands to her side, pressing her palms to the floor of the castle.]

I know I can't change what I did and that's -- I mean, maybe that's how it's supposed to work. [She's always going to hear Angel in her head, trapped in that fever dream with her. Telling her that she'll never be done. That she'll always have to keep fighting. She thought that meant that she'd always be making up for what she did, that she'd never be okay with it -- and that was what mattered.]

The way I live with it is by doing this. By knowing that I'm not gonna let myself be that person again.

But you're still chained to it. You're still living your life a prisoner of what you were by obsessing over working against it.

[The way he says it makes it sound like a bad thing. All Faith knows is that she's been operating this way for so long, she's not sure she knows what to do instead. She's not sure she can do something else instead.]

And the fact that I'm good at this -- that doesn't matter? [She starts building up that defensive wall, shoving the blame away from herself, from her own choices. She made the choice to keep doing good, to make up for the bad things she's done -- and if she should've been doing something else, then that's something else that she's done wrong. Another bad choice she made.]

I do what I'm good at, but I'm not sure that makes it the right thing to do.

In the end, it's what I want to do. If the two happen to line up, all the better. If they don't, I'd choose the latter every time.

[She takes a breath, trying to backtrack through this whole conversation to figure out how she landed here. How bringing the man she cares about to the place she feels comfortable in has turned into her defending her way of life. He had called her a hero, asked if she liked it and instead of just saying 'Yes' instead of accepting that mantel, she opted to argue against it. To try and keep herself away from being the savior that she's never felt she was suited to be. It's not the job that she has an issue with -- it's the title. The word. The thought that she's already a good person.

That she doesn't need to keep proving it to herself, because she's already done all of the legwork. She is the good person that she's wanted to be.

She looks around her, to where they are in the castle. It's just a random hallway. There isn't even an interesting painting on the wall for her to focus on. Just him.]

And if I'm the hero? What does that mean?

[ he stares at her for a long moment, emotions playing in his eyes. he seems to be at war with himself, and finally lands on: ] I don't know.

[Faith isn't sure if she really expected him to answer or to have an answer in this instance. She knows that this isn't what he thought he was getting himself into. Sure, she explained about Slayers and she told him about the Knights, but her place in it was always a little hazy. It was a job or something she knew she was good at. It had been something in the background and now that it's front and center, right there in front of him -- she gets it.

Her mouth pulls into a tight line and she nods, rising to her feet. She dusts her hands off, as if they actually don't sweep and mop these floors daily, and takes a deep breath.]

Alright. [She doesn't want to make this into a big deal. It's already been made into a heavier conversation than she thought it'd be. She also knows it totally punched a huge hole into any thoughts that she had about him ever thinking he might join up. Not that she really thought he would. That was just another thing that Faith thought she might as well try -- since everything else up to before this moment had been going pretty good for her.]

We should probably head out. [She's ready to cut the tour short. To not bother him with anymore of this place. Of this choice she's making.]

Yeah, before I wear out my welcome. [ he starts down the hall, assuming she'll follow ] A guy like me doesn't mesh with all this opulence.

[She does follow. The comment he makes bristles her briefly, making her wonder if he thinks that she actually meshes with all of it. If this whole conversation has started to change the way he looks at her. She bites her tongue, opting not to open her mouth and start another conversation that she doesn't want to have.]

It is a castle. Pretty sure they always look like this.

I don't think all of them have their own zip code.

[She shrugs.] I never really thought about it. It's not like I get my mail delivered here or anything.

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